


THE SLAP

by SANS_TITRE



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Absurd, Absurd humour, Arguing, Catria is judging you, Humour, Invasion, It's a very stupid fanfic, M/M, Romance, Some Characters Die, Theatre, Weird, but it's not dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 16:57:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14241759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SANS_TITRE/pseuds/SANS_TITRE
Summary: Leo is very sad, because no matter how many times Kiran does an invocation, Odin never shows up. Then Veronica attacks, and things get a bit messy.





	THE SLAP

KIRAN : _(checking his units)_ Hi Leo, how's it shaking?

LEO : I'm the saddest being in the universe.

KIRAN : Huh. How come.

LEO : How many invocations has it been?

KIRAN : Around... seven thousand I think.

LEO : And you still haven't managed to bring Odin?

KIRAN : I mean, you told me he was a terrible fighter.

LEO : That's true.

KIRAN : And that he was supremely annoying.

LEO : Also true!

KIRAN : Well, shouldn't you be grateful then?

LEO : I should. But... I miss him.

KIRAN : Well, I'll give it another try. But I can't find my weapon... I wonder where it went.

LEO : I think Niles took it.

KIRAN : What? Why would he do that?

LEO : I think you could easily guess.

KIRAN : Damnit. NILES, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE PRICK?

NILES : Under your legs, master.

KIRAN : WELL- wait, what are you doing down there?

NILES : Staring.

LEO : That's disgusting. Come on, Niles, behave.

NILES : It's not my fault. I was just taking a nap on the floor, and suddenly this guy steps on me! What did I do to deserve such a treatment?

KIRAN : Shut up, now! Where is my weapon?

NILES : Oh, you can have it. I'm done using it.

KIRAN : Wh... you... know how to use it?

NILES : Sure! I've been invoking a bunch of Barsts and they're currently making out. There was a Sully I think, too.

KIRAN : MY ORBS! I WAS SAVING THEM FOR LATER YOU PRICK!

NILES : Oopsy.

XANDER : Hey, what's up?

KIRAN : The ceiling.

NILES : From my point of view, it's your balls, dearie.

KIRAN : God damnit.

LEO : Why did I save you, again?

NILES : What, I'm just answering.

XANDER : I've been sent by Alfonse. He tells me Veronica is attacking.

KIRAN : Again? Could someone fetch Ike and Zelgius for me, please?

NILES : You could always use Barst.

KIRAN : What can they do?

BARST : _(from a distance)_ Chop wood.

KIRAN : Nope, useless.

VERONICA : _(arriving on the scene)_ I'm feeling like killing something.

LEO : Incredible! Just like yesterday.

XANDER : And every other day before that.

NILES : Well, it things are getting serious, I might as well get up.

KIRAN : Ouch!

NILES : Oops. Did that hurt?

KIRAN : _(collapses)_

LEO : Good job.

XANDER : This is perfect. How can we win this fight without a tactician?

DARAEN : Hey! i'm here!

LEO : I guess we're doomed.

SOREN : Heeeey, pick me, pick me!

XANDER : Definitely cursed.

VERONICA : Wait, Xander, weren't you supposed to be on my side?

XANDER : Ah, well...

VERONICA : Did you betray me by any chance?

NILES : He did.

XANDER : Heeey! That's not fair!

IKE _(arriving on the scene)_ It's Xander. I will slay you. With kindness.

XANDER : No no no, I'm a traitor!

VERONICA : Ah, so you admit it!

IKE : But... traitors are bad, surely? Then I must slay you.

XANDER : No no no, I'm a traitor to your cause!

IKE... what? I don't understand. But I think you're trying to trick me. I must slay you.

NILES : Go ahead. Slay him.

XANDER : But I don't want to be slayed!

IKE : With kindness.

NILES : Oh, don't be such a baby. I could be slayed. Just for the example.

LEO : Heeey, i don't want to be left out! Slay me first!

NILES : No, me! Master, I beg you!

XANDER : Slay them both please!

IKE : But... that's treason. And if you're a traitor, I should-

XANDER : Oh for fuck's sake!

_(He draws his sword and slays Ike.)_

IKE : I... admit defeat.

_(He dies. Catria and Hinoka arrive on the scene.)_

HINOKA : What a mess.

CATRIA : Somebody should clean, but I won't do it, because I have piano practice with Odin this afternoon.

LEO : Wait, what?

CATRIA : I'm not talking to you.

LEO : Actually, you are.

CATRIA : Oh, right! I am. That's confusing.

_(Zelgius arrives with Asura)_

ASURA : Youuuuu are the ooooocean's grey waves...

ZELGIUS : Who killed Ike?

XANDER : I did.

ZELGIUS : Prick. I've been trying to do that for years.

HINOKA : Yes, Xander, you're a prick.

XANDER : You're mean.

VERONICA : I want to kill somebody.

NILES : I've been asking for so long, but you've been ignoring me!

CATRIA : Hey, Veronica?

VERONICA : Yeah?

CATRIA : Why is there an army behind you?

VERONICA : It's my army. I'm invading this castle.

CATRIA : What? You're going to spread dirt all over the place!

LEO : That's not very nice.

ASURA : All I am saying is that we should all love each other, and that if everybody was a bit nicer, and with hugs and kisses, we could make this world a better place.

CATRIA : ...

ZELGIUS : ...

XANDER : ...

VERONICA : ...

IKE : ...

HINOKA : Did anybody ask you to speak?

LEO : I don't think so.

XANDER : Gosh, I hate people like that.

DARAEN : They're just the absolute worst.

NILES : Disgusting.

ASURA : But...

HINOKA : Shut up.

VERONICA : You're making everybody uncomfortable.

_(A huge light appears in the sky. Odin appears, with angel wings and the evil bow Skadi. He shoots, hits Asura in the left eye. She melts.)_

ODIN : Wow! That was so epic! Did I really just do that?? Odin is amazing!

LEO : _(slaps Odin)_

_(Everyone gasps)_

ODIN : Ouch!

LEO : You idiot! What took you so long! I've missed you so much! _(tears run down his cheeks)_

ODIN : _(blushing)_ Uh, well... I'm sorry, master! Since you've disappeared, I've always felt so empty, but no matter what I did, I never got summoned! So I, uh... summoned myself just to be with you again. I hope you don't mind...

LEO : Aww, you did all of this for me? That's adorable!

HINOKA : Pff. Just get married already.

LEO : Sure!

ODIN : What?

ZELGIUS : Typical.

CATRIA : No it's not.

ZELGIUS : Gosh, everyone is so annoying today.

NILES : So, uh... am I forgiven?

LEO : No.

XANDER : What about me?

LEO : I had forgotten about your existence to be honest.

XANDER : That's literally impossible.

LEO : And yet I did it.

ODIN : Isn't my boyfriend just the very best?

CATRIA : Yes.

HINOKA : No.

ODIN : Maaan, I'm so happy right now. Everything is perfect. You're all beautiful and you deserve eternal happiness.

NILES : _(crying)_ Wow.

_(It's raining confetti)_

LEO : Aren't you just the best, Odin.

ODIN : Yes. Odin is very great.

_(They kiss)_

CATRIA : Whenever I see two people kissing, I imagine how much spit they're exchanging.

HINOKA : Aaaand you've ruined it.

ZELGIUS : Or as someone would say : you've ruined the ruins.

CATRIA : I was just wondering... If Odin is right here, who have I been taking piano lessons with?

XANDER : It... is strange, indeed.

NILES : Maybe Lucius got a haircut.

CATRIA : That's unlikely.

ODIN : Oh right, I'm not actually Odin. I'm Lucina under a mask.

LEO : WHAT.

LUCINA UNDER A MASK : Yeah, sorry, I _really_ like impersonnating people. Sometimes I do it without even realizing.

LEO : ...

NILES : You broke him.

CATRIA : It's all right Leo, you can still date Barst.

BARST : I chop wood.

LEO : ... my heart is broken.

BARST : So is the tree. Let's get married.

NILES : Sexy. Can I get married, too?

HINOKA : For fuck's sake, Niles.

LEO :  _(takes of a mask)_ Not, it's all right. To be honest, I'm not really Leo. I'm Saizo under a mask.

LUCINA UNDER A MASK : _(pretends to be shocked)_

CATRIA : I feel like I should have been noticing this sooner.

DARAEN : Who even sells those masks?

NILES : Err... 

ZELGIUS : Of course.

 

 

_(The camera moves. By the way of a complicated effect, the audience understand that we are now in a parallel universe)_

_(Leo and Odin are in a kitchen, making salad. Leo slaps Odin.)_

ODIN : Ouch! Why did you do that!

LEO : It's strange, I felt a sudden urge to hurt you, for absolutely no reason.

ODIN : It's all right, I still love you.

_(They kiss. Their masks clash against each other as they do so)_

 

**THE END**


End file.
